Post by arie on Jan 14, 2007 11:08:10 GMT -5
This is titled "I Know!" It takes place after the characters have died and become "one with the Force". It is simply about a game of charades gone awry. I hope you enjoy it, people have rolled around on the floor laughing hysterically because of it. I started out as a humor author, so I have a lot of fun with fics like this. 
“A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…”
“I’m bored!” Obi-Wan exclaimed loudly. He shifted his weight for the third time in the last minute.
Chewbacca howled in agreement. He was sitting on the floor, sort of near the corner, which made him look like an enormous ball of fur. To his right, Leia and Han Solo were on the couch, along with Clone Commander Cody and Clone Commander Climber. Yoda sat upon the coffee table, muttering incoherently about flying baboons and green designer shoes. Luke Skywalker was on the floor beside Yoda, playing with a model X-wing fighter dreamily.
Obi-Wan sat on the other side of the couch, now staring at the wall. Fun.
Anakin and Padme Skywalker were on the other side of the room, sitting squished together on an armchair. Anakin looked like he was about to pass out because of boredom and Padme was lost in thought.
“I’m bored!” Obi-Wan yelled again. “And Anakin, you have a hole in your wall, did you know that?”
“Yeah, Luke did that…” Anakin said sleepily.
“Nuh-uh!” Luke said, “That was you, playing with the nail gun!”
“Oh yeah…the hole in the bedroom wall is from you…. boomerang practice. If I remember correctly, Leia was your unfortunate target.”
Leia stood up suddenly, causing Han to jump. “Yes, that was! And Luke, may I say that that was completely and utterly stupid and that you were being childish and idiotic?”
“If I can say that you’re a…” Luke began, but Anakin voice cut in.
“Kids, shut up please.”
“Don’t tell me to shut up!” Leia said boldly. You see, when Leia had nothing else to do but yell, she yelled. This day put her in an extremely bad mood.
Anakin shrugged. “Geez, I’m only your father.”
Leia fumed. “Well, I don’t care if you’re the Chancellor of the Galactic Republic! And I’m bored too, if we don’t do something soon, someone will be in excruciating pain before the day is done!”
“What’s your problem?” Anakin asked sullenly.
“YOU!” Leia screamed. “YOU and ALL these other nerf-herders who happen to be the most boring company in the history of…..FOREVER!”
“I’m thinking, I’m thinking! Padme, I’m beginning to think Leia has some sort of anger problem.”
“Must be from her father’s side.” Padme mused.
Anakin was about to comment, but Chewbacca howled again, a long, loud cry of exasperation.
“He says everyone shut up so we can figure out something to do,” Han translated. “Leia, sweetheart, sit down.”
Leia sat, the red draining from her face. “Sorry.”
Padme sat up straighter as the perfect idea popped into her head. “I know!” she announced. “Let’s play charades!”
“What in the name of the Force is charades?” Obi-Wan asked.
“Llamas, does it involve?” Yoda piped up.
“No, you have to act like a person or thing and then the others have to guess. Whoever guesses who or what you are acting like gets to act, and so forth.”
“Chocolate, do we get?” Yoda asked excitedly.
“No..” Padme said, and shoved her hand into her pocket, groping around for something; anything. “But I’ll give you this….nickel!”
Yoda whooped happily and snatched up the nickel. “Shiny….”
“Who goes first?” Padme asked.
“Me!” Han yelled, and leapt up from the sofa.
Padme clapped her hands in excitement. “Yes! I’m good at this game!” Or so she thought.
Han went to the center of the room and asked, “Can we make sounds?”
Padme said, “Well, usually not, but I guess you can if you want.”
“Score!” Han yelled. He proceeded to lie down on the floor and close his eyes then began making long low snoring sounds.
“My grandmother?” screamed Obi-Wan.
“A duck?” Yoda guessed.
“Broken speeder?” Leia said, dubious.
“A gun?” Cody asked hopefully.
“I know, I know! A lawn mower!” Padme called.
Then Padme realized Anakin was not paying attention, so she elbowed him in the chest. “Ani, guess!”
Anakin cast a bored glance at Han and then looked at Padme. “Easy.”
“What is it then?” Cody called. “A blaster pistol?”
“Isn’t that the same thing as a gun?” Leia asked.
“It most certainly isn’t.” Cody answered, “Darla here is a blaster pistol…” he patted his holster.
“And mine is a gun.” Climber finished.
“Darla?” Leia said quizzically.
Anakin cleared his throat and said. “Darth Vader sleeping.”
Han jumped up and gave Anakin a two-fingered salute. “Great guess! Your turn!”
Padme protested, like the good Senator and awful guesser she was. “No fair! Of course Ani knew that!”
Anakin took Han’s place in the center of the room and said, “Padme, please don’t start with your political debating. You know where that will go.”
Yoda yelled, “Go, already!”
“Okay!” Anakin replied.
“Young whippersnapper….” Yoda mumbled. He then began filing his nails with an emery board that he had produced out of nowhere.
Anakin began. He forced a pained expression and threw back his head, wailing, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Luke, oblivious, began snacking on a Cheez-It he found under the coffee table.
“Obi-Wan when his team lost the Super Bowl?” Leia guessed.
“Nah, he threw a couple punches at the TV screen, nothing more.” Climber pointed out.
“Hmmm…hang on, it sounds familiar…..” Obi-Wan said thoughtfully.
“A picnic table?” Padme yelled.
“Where did you get that?” Anakin asked, confused.
Padme shrugged.
“A gun?” was Cody’s attempt. “No wait….a gun!”
No one answered him.
Leia guessed again. “Palpatine after looking in the mirror?”
Anakin laughed. “Nice try, but no.”
Chewbacca yelled suddenly, “LUKE!”
Everyone simultaneously blinked and stared.
Finally, Han said, “Did you just speak English, Chewie?”
Chewbacca growled innocently as if nothing had happened.
Anakin coughed. “Ahem…well, it’s his turn.”
Chewbacca came to the center of the room as Anakin sat back down. He appeared solemn and quiet. Then, all of a sudden, he flailed his arms about and began yelling, “WOOF WOOF! I’M A BEAR! WOOF WOOF! I’M A BEAR!”
No one said a word, for fear of laughing. Especially since no one knew this, but someone in the room snorted when he/she laughed hard.
Han started, “Chewie…you’re not supposed to...”
Padme spoke, “Ummmm…. a naked mole rat?”
Anakin couldn’t suppress his laughter. “How did you not get that, Padme?”
Obi-Wan yelled, “A bear!”
Cody sounded sad. “Ohhhh mannnn…it wasn’t a gun.” Then he reached into his pocket and handed a handful of dollar bills to Climber.
“I’m making millions off him!” Climber exclaimed. “Wanna bet again that it’ll be a gun?”
Obi-Wan had got the right answer. He got up and said, “Okay, you guys ready?”
All in the room nodded and Obi-Wan began. He yelled, “YABBADABBADOO!”
Padme began to hop up and down excitedly. “OOOH! I KNOW!”
“What is it then?” Obi-Wan asked.
“Yogi Bear.” Padme announced. She seemed quite proud of herself.
Anakin slapped his forehead. “Ugghhh…”
Leia called, “Its Fred Flintstone!”
“Right-O!” Obi-Wan said and sat down.
Leia smiled and walked happily to her spot.
“Looks who’s in a happier mood!” Anakin said, relieved.
“SILENCE! DO NOT SPEAK WITHOUT BEING SPOKEN TO IN THE PRESENCE OF THE MOST AWESOME INCOMPARABLE PRINCESS LEIA!”
Anakin shrunk back in his chair. “Or not….”
Leia smoothed out her dress and cleared her throat. She started making odd noises while spinning around and wiggling her arms.
Obi-Wan called out immediately. “MY GRANDMA?”
“A gun?” Cody dared to ask.
Leia shook her head and continued.
“Anakin, that one time when he had a spider on his shirt?” Han yelled.
“Hey!” came Anakin’s protest. “That thing was huge like a……..TARANTULASAURUS!”
“What’s a tarantulasaurus?” Padme asked.
Obi-Wan pulled out a small book. “Tarantulasaurus: a large meaty spider with lethal fangs full of deadly poison; however in most cases, the speaker is denying that they are a victim of arachnophobia when using this word, and the spider in question was most likely a harmless daddy-longlegs.”
Anakin scowled. “What book is that?”
Obi-Wan displayed the cover. It read, “A Guide to Speaking Anakin: The Most Confusing of Languages.”
Anakin’s brows beetled in anger. “Obi-Wan…..”
Yoda announced loudly. “Be mindful of your thoughts you must young Anakin, for anger leads to hate, hate leads to soap scum, soap scum leads to angry shower-goers, angry shower-goers leads to angry mobs, angry mobs leads to fires, fires lead to burning people, burning people leads to cyborgs, cyborgs lead to galactic domination…”
“SHUT UP ALREADY!” Leia yelled. “It’s still my turn!”
Anakin just looked confused. “Hate leads to soap scum?”
“It does?” Padme asked.
Yoda nodded and turned to Padme. “Find did you, soap scum in the shower in the early days of Anakin’s fall?”
“Hmm…..now that I think about it….”
“ENOUGH! GUESS WHAT I AM BEING PLEASE!” Leia yelled breathlessly
“Leia!” Obi-Wan yelled and began attempting to perform the Heimlich maneuver on her.
“What in the name of the Force are you doing to my wife?” Han asked loudly.
“Well, she yelled breathlessly…so that means she can’t breathe!”
“Get off her!” Han yelled.
“Your loss.” Obi-Wan shrugged, and dropped Leia.
“Uhhhh….Obi-Wan? The Heimlich is for choking…” Anakin began slowly.
“Well, you would know ALL about that, wouldn’t you, Sithy boy?” Obi-Wan said indignantly.
Anakin frowned. “Dude, don’t make me come over there.”
“I would if I thought you’d actually dare to, wimp!”
“Wimp?” Anakin asked. “Okay, that’s it…”
Padme yelled suddenly. “OH! I know, a SPATULA!”
Silence.
A tumbleweed rolled past. Well, not really.
Leia sighed. “No, mother.”
“7UP!” Yoda yelled happily, and began drinking a bottle of Clorox bleach that he’d found sitting near him. No one stopped him.
“Mama’s got the magic…” murmured Obi-Wan, almost sadly.
Leia huffed. “Does anyone want to take the liberty of guessing what I’m acting like?”
Han spoke up softly, afraid she would yell again. “An octopus?”
“YES!” Leia yelled, relieved.
Han cowered behind the couch. “Don’t hurt me….”
“No, Han! You got it!” Leia said cheerfully. “Your turn again!”
Han got up. “Oh.”
He sauntered over to take his place as king of Pride Rock…errrr… I mean take his place at the center of the room.
He began to make really obnoxious noises and pretend to shoot a gun. Then he began to beat on his chest and yell Tarzan-style.
“My grandma?” Obi-Wan asked.
“Will you QUIT guessing that?” Leia asked, mostly calmly.
Obi-Wan whispered. “But that is like my grandma...”
“A grasshopper?” Padme guessed.
“A gun?” Cody said happily, but he was wrong again.
Han shook his head at them. Cody began to cry because his wallet was empty.
“Luke?” Anakin asked.
It may have been somewhat accurate, but it wasn’t correct.
Luke decided to guess. “A kittycat?”
“Do kittycats do that, Luke?” Obi-Wan asked him.
“Mine did. But Fluffums was actually a good kitty…in between the hospital trips.”
A loud snore indicated that Chewie had fallen asleep.
“Did you guys hear that loud snore? I think Chewie fell asleep!” Luke announced.
Obi-Wan pulled a large ping-pong paddle from his pocket and hit Luke over the head with it. “DUH! The author just said that, you aren’t paying attention to the story!”
Finally, someone guessed. “A Wookiee?” came Luke’s second guess.
“Right!” Han said and sat back down next to Leia.
Yoda got up and left mysteriously.
Luke was flapping his non-existent wings and chirping. Weird.
Just then, Jar Jar Binx walked in and yelled. “MESA SO EXCITED BEING HERE! MESA AMIGOS ARE HERE! ANI! OBI! SENATOR PADME!”
“Amigos?” Obi-wan said incredulously.
“That stupid creature knows where I live?” Anakin asked, his voice low. He then began weeping into Padme’s shoulder.
Jar Jar shrugged. “Yousa not mesa amigos? Oh well, then yousa all gonna be mesa’s……”
“Murderers?” Han joked.
Jar Jar blinked, then said, “Well, mesa will just be going now…” And the door promptly shut behind him seconds later.
“And STAY OUT!” Leia yelled.
Luke. Meanwhile, had not stopped acting at all.
“The Goblet of Fire?” Padme called out.
“A gun?’ Cody asked. Climber smiled.
Cody frowned. “I don’t have any cash left!”
Climber grinned. “You’ll buy me a Big Mac, later.”
“Okkkaaaayyyy.”
“A chicken?” Anakin guessed.
Luke nodded. Anakin got up.
“Ohhhh...Kentucky Fried?” Climber asked, rubbing the armor plate where his stomach was.
“Nope. Slow-roasted buffalo-style. Tough luck.” Cody said to him.
“With dipping sauce?”
“Lots of dipping sauce...”
“Go Anakin!” Qui-Gon yelled.
“When did you get here?” Obi-Wan asked his Master.
“I’ve been here all along.”
“Ummmmm…..okay.”
Leia stood up and yelled, “SHUT UP AND LISTEN SO MY FATHER CAN TAKE HIS TURN!”
Anakin coughed again. “Not necessary, Leia.”
Leia sat down, rubbing her throat. “Han, you’re gonna buy me some cough drops later.”
“But baby…Lando promised me a game of sabacc…”
“YOU WILL BUY ME SOME COUGH DROPS LATER!” Leia yelled, her voice hoarse.
“Of course.” Han said sullenly.
“A horse is a horse, a horse of course...” Yoda stated.
“Where were you?” Padme asked, at his random return.
“Getting this.” Yoda produced a jug of milk and a package of Oreos and started to eat.
Anakin finally began. He levitated a small rug from the floor.
“OOOHHHHH! Hermoine Granger!” Obi-wan yelled, and did a fake wand flourish. “Wingardium Leviousa!”
“No, hang on….” Anakin sat on the rug, suspending himself in the air.
“A tractor?” Padme called.
“The Grim Reaper?” Yoda guessed, as he began stuffing Oreos into the half-filled milk carton.
“What are you doing?” Padme asked slowly.
“Doing my old friend milk a favor, paid him back I have not for my strong bones and teeth.”
“Why are you feeding it Oreos?” Anakin asked from atop his rug.
“Milk’s favorite cookie, they are.” Yoda said simply.
Anakin sighed. “Does anyone actually know who I am acting like?”
“A popcorn vendor?” Padme guessed.
Anakin raised an eyebrow. “Are you actually trying, or pulling guesses out of thin air?”
“I’m actually trying.” Padme said truthfully.
“This is hard.” Yoda moaned.
“Yeah, Anakin. Hint?”
“It isn’t hard, not at all.” Anakin said. “I know, I’ll make it a challenge. Whoever guesses not only gets the next turn, but gets half the credits in my pocket.”
“How much is in your pocket, wise guy?” Han asked.
“Enough to please you, Han.” Anakin said firmly.
“Hmmmm….must be a lot.”
“Do you accept the challenge?” Anakin said, getting bored atop the rug.
“You’re on!” Han yelled.
“This is going to be tough…” Obi-Wan muttered. “I’d better eat breakfast!”
“Huh?” Leia asked.
“It’s…..never mind.” Obi-Wan said.
Turns out, Anakin had to sit on top of the rug for exactly 25 minutes and 43 seconds before Climber guessed that he was Aladdin.
“Dang!” Cody protested as Climber added Anakin’s money to Cody’s.
Climber began to take his turn as Anakin stumbled to the armchair, being that all of his limbs were asleep.
Climber began to honk and vroom loudly.
“Oooh….I know!” Padme called.
Everyone groaned.
“A hairspray bottle….Loreal, I think.”
Climber stopped for a second. “Why would I do that?”
“Don’t play innocent with me, clone.” Padme said venomously.
Climber looked extremely scared. “ALL RIGHT! I USE LOREAL EVERYDAY, I STILL WATCH TELETUBBIES, I EAT PLAY-DOH, AND I WAS THE ONE WHO PEED THE BED THAT ONE TIME…ACTUALLY ALL OF THE TIMES!”
“Geez…. Leia is Padme and Anakin’s daughter all right.” Yoda muttered.
“What was that?” Leia asked, her voice brushing anger.
“Nothing.”
Anakin looked incredulous. “You wet the bed, Climber?”
“Hey, go easy on him; he’s got a lot in his system.” Cody said defensively. “We clones had to hold it all through the Clone Wars.”
“That’s inhumane!” Padme said, disgusted.
Anakin sighed. “Whatever.”
Yoda jumped up and yelled, “He’s a whale!”
Climber shook his head. “Ummm… no…..”
Yoda harrumphed and sat back down, tapping the empty Clorox bottle with his foot, which ran into Cody, knocking a cup of soda from his hands and splattering a giant poster of Jango Fett on the wall.
Both of the clones gasped and ran to the poster.
“The Great Creator!” Cody sobbed. “NOOOO!”
“We are sorry, Creator…” Climber said wistfully.
Anakin pointed at the soiled picture. “How long have we had THAT on our wall?”
The clones scowled at him and sat down.
Leia spoke up. “All right, Climber was being an air taxi, can we stop playing this already?”
“No!” Padme yelled. “I love this game!”
Everyone groaned and Yoda threw an empty pop can at her.
Padme sighed. “I’ll take your turn, Leia. I haven’t go to go yet!”
“I wonder why that is.” Obi-Wan said in mock wonderment.
Padme got up and began to squawk loudly and dance in little circles.
Anakin had a little smirk on his face that made his mouth look like a sideways line. Actually kind of like this line here! (pulls line from pocket and puts it at end of sentence!) /
Obi-Wan called out. “What THE-?”
Anakin smiled. “A bird, Padme?”
Padme’s shoulders slumped. “How did you know?”
Anakin shrugged and Padme sat back down as Anakin got up.
But Anakin didn’t start acting. He announced, “Okay, guys, I’m with Leia on this one. You guys want to play Playstation?”
Everyone but Padme cheered.
Padme jumped up. “Oohhh! I’ll take your turn too, Ani, if you don’t want it.”
She positioned herself in the middle of the room.
But when she turned around, everyone was GONE.
This was one thing Padme knew she could guess.
“OOOH! I KNOW! I ACTUALLY KNOW! It’s THE END!”
Silence. Padme knew she was right.
But then, Leia popped out of nowhere with a megaphone and screamed, “Welcome back to the story, where we are no where near the end!”
Padme sighed.
Anakin hugged her. “We sure got you, Angel.”
Padme sighed again. “I guess you did.”
“I believe it’s Anakin’s turn,” Obi-Wan said, chewing. “Mmmmm…Padme, these graham crackers are good!”
Padme looked astonished. “Obi-Wan...those aren’t graham crackers, you are eating potpourri!”
Obi-wan spit and gagged.
Padme sighed….wow! That’s three sighs! “Hey, guys? Maybe we should do something else…I mean, I kind of stink at this.”
Anakin smiled. “But that’s what’s so entertaining! None of us are bored anymore!”
Padme grinned. “Really?”
“Yeah.”
“So let’s play!” Obi-Wan yelled.
Anakin grinned. Then he took his turn. He was sitting on the floor, staring intently.
“Ooohh I know!” Padme called out.
“Ooohh I know!” Anakin repeated.
“A tornado?”
“A tornado?”
“A meat slicer?”
“A meat slicer?”
“A can of green beans?”
“A can of green beans?”
“A teddy bear?”
“A teddy bear?”
“ENOUGH!” Obi-Wan yelled. “He’s obviously being Padme!”
“Right.” Anakin said and he got up. Obi-Wan began his turn next.
“Obviously a cheese grater!” Yoda yelled. “Better than meat slicers, they are.”
“Whatever.” Padme replied haughtily. “I know what he is! An Obi-Wan!”
“Well, duh.” Climber said quickly. “But you’re supposed to guess what he was acting like!”
“Oh. I knew that.” Padme said. “It was worth a try.”
Yoda shouted suddenly, “DUDE, WHERE’S MY HOVERCHAIR!”
“I have a tattoo that looks like a cruise ship?” Luke remarked.
“That’s a bruise, dummy.”
“Quit throwing your eyelashes at me!” Obi-Wan whimpered.
“Sorry.” Han said, embarrassed.
Over the next hour or so, Yoda downed 4 boxes of Capri Sun, Padme shouted many random things, and so forth. Here’s a brief list:
“Yoda! Don’t eat that! I need that!”
“Oooh! I know! A waffle iron!”
“Waffles don’t iron, that’s preposterous!”
“Pretzels taste good.”
“OHHHH! An elf?”
“A insult, that is to me and my family!”
“My grandma?”
“A gun?”
(muffled crying noises)
At the end of the day, Padme and Anakin were getting ready to settle in for the night, after everyone had gone to sleep. Padme settled into the covers, deep in thought.
“Anakin?” she called into the darkness.
Anakin moved about the room, having just gotten finished in the fresher. “What, love?”
“Do you think everyone had fun today?” Padme asked.
Anakin approached the side of the bed. “I don’t think they did Padme…”
Padme frowned.
“…I know they did.”
Padme grinned then. Anakin climbed into bed, and Padme pulled the covers closer to her chin.
“Good night, Angel.” Anakin murmured.
“I love you, Anakin.” Padme said sweetly.
No reply. Anakin was asleep.
“Oh! I know!” Padme whispered. “You love me too?”
Padme grinned, feeling so sure this time…
Anakin rolled over and laughed a little, his eyes still closed. “Wrong…”
“What?” Padme asked.
“I love you more than life itself, my dear.” Anakin replied.
Padme stared at the dark silhouette of her husband, and then sighed, feeling the sleepiness overtake her.
But before going to sleep she whispered, “Why can’t I get a single thing right?”
I Know!
“A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…”
“I’m bored!” Obi-Wan exclaimed loudly. He shifted his weight for the third time in the last minute.
Chewbacca howled in agreement. He was sitting on the floor, sort of near the corner, which made him look like an enormous ball of fur. To his right, Leia and Han Solo were on the couch, along with Clone Commander Cody and Clone Commander Climber. Yoda sat upon the coffee table, muttering incoherently about flying baboons and green designer shoes. Luke Skywalker was on the floor beside Yoda, playing with a model X-wing fighter dreamily.
Obi-Wan sat on the other side of the couch, now staring at the wall. Fun.
Anakin and Padme Skywalker were on the other side of the room, sitting squished together on an armchair. Anakin looked like he was about to pass out because of boredom and Padme was lost in thought.
“I’m bored!” Obi-Wan yelled again. “And Anakin, you have a hole in your wall, did you know that?”
“Yeah, Luke did that…” Anakin said sleepily.
“Nuh-uh!” Luke said, “That was you, playing with the nail gun!”
“Oh yeah…the hole in the bedroom wall is from you…. boomerang practice. If I remember correctly, Leia was your unfortunate target.”
Leia stood up suddenly, causing Han to jump. “Yes, that was! And Luke, may I say that that was completely and utterly stupid and that you were being childish and idiotic?”
“If I can say that you’re a…” Luke began, but Anakin voice cut in.
“Kids, shut up please.”
“Don’t tell me to shut up!” Leia said boldly. You see, when Leia had nothing else to do but yell, she yelled. This day put her in an extremely bad mood.
Anakin shrugged. “Geez, I’m only your father.”
Leia fumed. “Well, I don’t care if you’re the Chancellor of the Galactic Republic! And I’m bored too, if we don’t do something soon, someone will be in excruciating pain before the day is done!”
“What’s your problem?” Anakin asked sullenly.
“YOU!” Leia screamed. “YOU and ALL these other nerf-herders who happen to be the most boring company in the history of…..FOREVER!”
“I’m thinking, I’m thinking! Padme, I’m beginning to think Leia has some sort of anger problem.”
“Must be from her father’s side.” Padme mused.
Anakin was about to comment, but Chewbacca howled again, a long, loud cry of exasperation.
“He says everyone shut up so we can figure out something to do,” Han translated. “Leia, sweetheart, sit down.”
Leia sat, the red draining from her face. “Sorry.”
Padme sat up straighter as the perfect idea popped into her head. “I know!” she announced. “Let’s play charades!”
“What in the name of the Force is charades?” Obi-Wan asked.
“Llamas, does it involve?” Yoda piped up.
“No, you have to act like a person or thing and then the others have to guess. Whoever guesses who or what you are acting like gets to act, and so forth.”
“Chocolate, do we get?” Yoda asked excitedly.
“No..” Padme said, and shoved her hand into her pocket, groping around for something; anything. “But I’ll give you this….nickel!”
Yoda whooped happily and snatched up the nickel. “Shiny….”
“Who goes first?” Padme asked.
“Me!” Han yelled, and leapt up from the sofa.
Padme clapped her hands in excitement. “Yes! I’m good at this game!” Or so she thought.
Han went to the center of the room and asked, “Can we make sounds?”
Padme said, “Well, usually not, but I guess you can if you want.”
“Score!” Han yelled. He proceeded to lie down on the floor and close his eyes then began making long low snoring sounds.
“My grandmother?” screamed Obi-Wan.
“A duck?” Yoda guessed.
“Broken speeder?” Leia said, dubious.
“A gun?” Cody asked hopefully.
“I know, I know! A lawn mower!” Padme called.
Then Padme realized Anakin was not paying attention, so she elbowed him in the chest. “Ani, guess!”
Anakin cast a bored glance at Han and then looked at Padme. “Easy.”
“What is it then?” Cody called. “A blaster pistol?”
“Isn’t that the same thing as a gun?” Leia asked.
“It most certainly isn’t.” Cody answered, “Darla here is a blaster pistol…” he patted his holster.
“And mine is a gun.” Climber finished.
“Darla?” Leia said quizzically.
Anakin cleared his throat and said. “Darth Vader sleeping.”
Han jumped up and gave Anakin a two-fingered salute. “Great guess! Your turn!”
Padme protested, like the good Senator and awful guesser she was. “No fair! Of course Ani knew that!”
Anakin took Han’s place in the center of the room and said, “Padme, please don’t start with your political debating. You know where that will go.”
Yoda yelled, “Go, already!”
“Okay!” Anakin replied.
“Young whippersnapper….” Yoda mumbled. He then began filing his nails with an emery board that he had produced out of nowhere.
Anakin began. He forced a pained expression and threw back his head, wailing, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Luke, oblivious, began snacking on a Cheez-It he found under the coffee table.
“Obi-Wan when his team lost the Super Bowl?” Leia guessed.
“Nah, he threw a couple punches at the TV screen, nothing more.” Climber pointed out.
“Hmmm…hang on, it sounds familiar…..” Obi-Wan said thoughtfully.
“A picnic table?” Padme yelled.
“Where did you get that?” Anakin asked, confused.
Padme shrugged.
“A gun?” was Cody’s attempt. “No wait….a gun!”
No one answered him.
Leia guessed again. “Palpatine after looking in the mirror?”
Anakin laughed. “Nice try, but no.”
Chewbacca yelled suddenly, “LUKE!”
Everyone simultaneously blinked and stared.
Finally, Han said, “Did you just speak English, Chewie?”
Chewbacca growled innocently as if nothing had happened.
Anakin coughed. “Ahem…well, it’s his turn.”
Chewbacca came to the center of the room as Anakin sat back down. He appeared solemn and quiet. Then, all of a sudden, he flailed his arms about and began yelling, “WOOF WOOF! I’M A BEAR! WOOF WOOF! I’M A BEAR!”
No one said a word, for fear of laughing. Especially since no one knew this, but someone in the room snorted when he/she laughed hard.
Han started, “Chewie…you’re not supposed to...”
Padme spoke, “Ummmm…. a naked mole rat?”
Anakin couldn’t suppress his laughter. “How did you not get that, Padme?”
Obi-Wan yelled, “A bear!”
Cody sounded sad. “Ohhhh mannnn…it wasn’t a gun.” Then he reached into his pocket and handed a handful of dollar bills to Climber.
“I’m making millions off him!” Climber exclaimed. “Wanna bet again that it’ll be a gun?”
Obi-Wan had got the right answer. He got up and said, “Okay, you guys ready?”
All in the room nodded and Obi-Wan began. He yelled, “YABBADABBADOO!”
Padme began to hop up and down excitedly. “OOOH! I KNOW!”
“What is it then?” Obi-Wan asked.
“Yogi Bear.” Padme announced. She seemed quite proud of herself.
Anakin slapped his forehead. “Ugghhh…”
Leia called, “Its Fred Flintstone!”
“Right-O!” Obi-Wan said and sat down.
Leia smiled and walked happily to her spot.
“Looks who’s in a happier mood!” Anakin said, relieved.
“SILENCE! DO NOT SPEAK WITHOUT BEING SPOKEN TO IN THE PRESENCE OF THE MOST AWESOME INCOMPARABLE PRINCESS LEIA!”
Anakin shrunk back in his chair. “Or not….”
Leia smoothed out her dress and cleared her throat. She started making odd noises while spinning around and wiggling her arms.
Obi-Wan called out immediately. “MY GRANDMA?”
“A gun?” Cody dared to ask.
Leia shook her head and continued.
“Anakin, that one time when he had a spider on his shirt?” Han yelled.
“Hey!” came Anakin’s protest. “That thing was huge like a……..TARANTULASAURUS!”
“What’s a tarantulasaurus?” Padme asked.
Obi-Wan pulled out a small book. “Tarantulasaurus: a large meaty spider with lethal fangs full of deadly poison; however in most cases, the speaker is denying that they are a victim of arachnophobia when using this word, and the spider in question was most likely a harmless daddy-longlegs.”
Anakin scowled. “What book is that?”
Obi-Wan displayed the cover. It read, “A Guide to Speaking Anakin: The Most Confusing of Languages.”
Anakin’s brows beetled in anger. “Obi-Wan…..”
Yoda announced loudly. “Be mindful of your thoughts you must young Anakin, for anger leads to hate, hate leads to soap scum, soap scum leads to angry shower-goers, angry shower-goers leads to angry mobs, angry mobs leads to fires, fires lead to burning people, burning people leads to cyborgs, cyborgs lead to galactic domination…”
“SHUT UP ALREADY!” Leia yelled. “It’s still my turn!”
Anakin just looked confused. “Hate leads to soap scum?”
“It does?” Padme asked.
Yoda nodded and turned to Padme. “Find did you, soap scum in the shower in the early days of Anakin’s fall?”
“Hmm…..now that I think about it….”
“ENOUGH! GUESS WHAT I AM BEING PLEASE!” Leia yelled breathlessly
“Leia!” Obi-Wan yelled and began attempting to perform the Heimlich maneuver on her.
“What in the name of the Force are you doing to my wife?” Han asked loudly.
“Well, she yelled breathlessly…so that means she can’t breathe!”
“Get off her!” Han yelled.
“Your loss.” Obi-Wan shrugged, and dropped Leia.
“Uhhhh….Obi-Wan? The Heimlich is for choking…” Anakin began slowly.
“Well, you would know ALL about that, wouldn’t you, Sithy boy?” Obi-Wan said indignantly.
Anakin frowned. “Dude, don’t make me come over there.”
“I would if I thought you’d actually dare to, wimp!”
“Wimp?” Anakin asked. “Okay, that’s it…”
Padme yelled suddenly. “OH! I know, a SPATULA!”
Silence.
A tumbleweed rolled past. Well, not really.
Leia sighed. “No, mother.”
“7UP!” Yoda yelled happily, and began drinking a bottle of Clorox bleach that he’d found sitting near him. No one stopped him.
“Mama’s got the magic…” murmured Obi-Wan, almost sadly.
Leia huffed. “Does anyone want to take the liberty of guessing what I’m acting like?”
Han spoke up softly, afraid she would yell again. “An octopus?”
“YES!” Leia yelled, relieved.
Han cowered behind the couch. “Don’t hurt me….”
“No, Han! You got it!” Leia said cheerfully. “Your turn again!”
Han got up. “Oh.”
He sauntered over to take his place as king of Pride Rock…errrr… I mean take his place at the center of the room.
He began to make really obnoxious noises and pretend to shoot a gun. Then he began to beat on his chest and yell Tarzan-style.
“My grandma?” Obi-Wan asked.
“Will you QUIT guessing that?” Leia asked, mostly calmly.
Obi-Wan whispered. “But that is like my grandma...”
“A grasshopper?” Padme guessed.
“A gun?” Cody said happily, but he was wrong again.
Han shook his head at them. Cody began to cry because his wallet was empty.
“Luke?” Anakin asked.
It may have been somewhat accurate, but it wasn’t correct.
Luke decided to guess. “A kittycat?”
“Do kittycats do that, Luke?” Obi-Wan asked him.
“Mine did. But Fluffums was actually a good kitty…in between the hospital trips.”
A loud snore indicated that Chewie had fallen asleep.
“Did you guys hear that loud snore? I think Chewie fell asleep!” Luke announced.
Obi-Wan pulled a large ping-pong paddle from his pocket and hit Luke over the head with it. “DUH! The author just said that, you aren’t paying attention to the story!”
Finally, someone guessed. “A Wookiee?” came Luke’s second guess.
“Right!” Han said and sat back down next to Leia.
Yoda got up and left mysteriously.
Luke was flapping his non-existent wings and chirping. Weird.
Just then, Jar Jar Binx walked in and yelled. “MESA SO EXCITED BEING HERE! MESA AMIGOS ARE HERE! ANI! OBI! SENATOR PADME!”
“Amigos?” Obi-wan said incredulously.
“That stupid creature knows where I live?” Anakin asked, his voice low. He then began weeping into Padme’s shoulder.
Jar Jar shrugged. “Yousa not mesa amigos? Oh well, then yousa all gonna be mesa’s……”
“Murderers?” Han joked.
Jar Jar blinked, then said, “Well, mesa will just be going now…” And the door promptly shut behind him seconds later.
“And STAY OUT!” Leia yelled.
Luke. Meanwhile, had not stopped acting at all.
“The Goblet of Fire?” Padme called out.
“A gun?’ Cody asked. Climber smiled.
Cody frowned. “I don’t have any cash left!”
Climber grinned. “You’ll buy me a Big Mac, later.”
“Okkkaaaayyyy.”
“A chicken?” Anakin guessed.
Luke nodded. Anakin got up.
“Ohhhh...Kentucky Fried?” Climber asked, rubbing the armor plate where his stomach was.
“Nope. Slow-roasted buffalo-style. Tough luck.” Cody said to him.
“With dipping sauce?”
“Lots of dipping sauce...”
“Go Anakin!” Qui-Gon yelled.
“When did you get here?” Obi-Wan asked his Master.
“I’ve been here all along.”
“Ummmmm…..okay.”
Leia stood up and yelled, “SHUT UP AND LISTEN SO MY FATHER CAN TAKE HIS TURN!”
Anakin coughed again. “Not necessary, Leia.”
Leia sat down, rubbing her throat. “Han, you’re gonna buy me some cough drops later.”
“But baby…Lando promised me a game of sabacc…”
“YOU WILL BUY ME SOME COUGH DROPS LATER!” Leia yelled, her voice hoarse.
“Of course.” Han said sullenly.
“A horse is a horse, a horse of course...” Yoda stated.
“Where were you?” Padme asked, at his random return.
“Getting this.” Yoda produced a jug of milk and a package of Oreos and started to eat.
Anakin finally began. He levitated a small rug from the floor.
“OOOHHHHH! Hermoine Granger!” Obi-wan yelled, and did a fake wand flourish. “Wingardium Leviousa!”
“No, hang on….” Anakin sat on the rug, suspending himself in the air.
“A tractor?” Padme called.
“The Grim Reaper?” Yoda guessed, as he began stuffing Oreos into the half-filled milk carton.
“What are you doing?” Padme asked slowly.
“Doing my old friend milk a favor, paid him back I have not for my strong bones and teeth.”
“Why are you feeding it Oreos?” Anakin asked from atop his rug.
“Milk’s favorite cookie, they are.” Yoda said simply.
Anakin sighed. “Does anyone actually know who I am acting like?”
“A popcorn vendor?” Padme guessed.
Anakin raised an eyebrow. “Are you actually trying, or pulling guesses out of thin air?”
“I’m actually trying.” Padme said truthfully.
“This is hard.” Yoda moaned.
“Yeah, Anakin. Hint?”
“It isn’t hard, not at all.” Anakin said. “I know, I’ll make it a challenge. Whoever guesses not only gets the next turn, but gets half the credits in my pocket.”
“How much is in your pocket, wise guy?” Han asked.
“Enough to please you, Han.” Anakin said firmly.
“Hmmmm….must be a lot.”
“Do you accept the challenge?” Anakin said, getting bored atop the rug.
“You’re on!” Han yelled.
“This is going to be tough…” Obi-Wan muttered. “I’d better eat breakfast!”
“Huh?” Leia asked.
“It’s…..never mind.” Obi-Wan said.
Turns out, Anakin had to sit on top of the rug for exactly 25 minutes and 43 seconds before Climber guessed that he was Aladdin.
“Dang!” Cody protested as Climber added Anakin’s money to Cody’s.
Climber began to take his turn as Anakin stumbled to the armchair, being that all of his limbs were asleep.
Climber began to honk and vroom loudly.
“Oooh….I know!” Padme called.
Everyone groaned.
“A hairspray bottle….Loreal, I think.”
Climber stopped for a second. “Why would I do that?”
“Don’t play innocent with me, clone.” Padme said venomously.
Climber looked extremely scared. “ALL RIGHT! I USE LOREAL EVERYDAY, I STILL WATCH TELETUBBIES, I EAT PLAY-DOH, AND I WAS THE ONE WHO PEED THE BED THAT ONE TIME…ACTUALLY ALL OF THE TIMES!”
“Geez…. Leia is Padme and Anakin’s daughter all right.” Yoda muttered.
“What was that?” Leia asked, her voice brushing anger.
“Nothing.”
Anakin looked incredulous. “You wet the bed, Climber?”
“Hey, go easy on him; he’s got a lot in his system.” Cody said defensively. “We clones had to hold it all through the Clone Wars.”
“That’s inhumane!” Padme said, disgusted.
Anakin sighed. “Whatever.”
Yoda jumped up and yelled, “He’s a whale!”
Climber shook his head. “Ummm… no…..”
Yoda harrumphed and sat back down, tapping the empty Clorox bottle with his foot, which ran into Cody, knocking a cup of soda from his hands and splattering a giant poster of Jango Fett on the wall.
Both of the clones gasped and ran to the poster.
“The Great Creator!” Cody sobbed. “NOOOO!”
“We are sorry, Creator…” Climber said wistfully.
Anakin pointed at the soiled picture. “How long have we had THAT on our wall?”
The clones scowled at him and sat down.
Leia spoke up. “All right, Climber was being an air taxi, can we stop playing this already?”
“No!” Padme yelled. “I love this game!”
Everyone groaned and Yoda threw an empty pop can at her.
Padme sighed. “I’ll take your turn, Leia. I haven’t go to go yet!”
“I wonder why that is.” Obi-Wan said in mock wonderment.
Padme got up and began to squawk loudly and dance in little circles.
Anakin had a little smirk on his face that made his mouth look like a sideways line. Actually kind of like this line here! (pulls line from pocket and puts it at end of sentence!) /
Obi-Wan called out. “What THE-?”
Anakin smiled. “A bird, Padme?”
Padme’s shoulders slumped. “How did you know?”
Anakin shrugged and Padme sat back down as Anakin got up.
But Anakin didn’t start acting. He announced, “Okay, guys, I’m with Leia on this one. You guys want to play Playstation?”
Everyone but Padme cheered.
Padme jumped up. “Oohhh! I’ll take your turn too, Ani, if you don’t want it.”
She positioned herself in the middle of the room.
But when she turned around, everyone was GONE.
This was one thing Padme knew she could guess.
“OOOH! I KNOW! I ACTUALLY KNOW! It’s THE END!”
Silence. Padme knew she was right.
But then, Leia popped out of nowhere with a megaphone and screamed, “Welcome back to the story, where we are no where near the end!”
Padme sighed.
Anakin hugged her. “We sure got you, Angel.”
Padme sighed again. “I guess you did.”
“I believe it’s Anakin’s turn,” Obi-Wan said, chewing. “Mmmmm…Padme, these graham crackers are good!”
Padme looked astonished. “Obi-Wan...those aren’t graham crackers, you are eating potpourri!”
Obi-wan spit and gagged.
Padme sighed….wow! That’s three sighs! “Hey, guys? Maybe we should do something else…I mean, I kind of stink at this.”
Anakin smiled. “But that’s what’s so entertaining! None of us are bored anymore!”
Padme grinned. “Really?”
“Yeah.”
“So let’s play!” Obi-Wan yelled.
Anakin grinned. Then he took his turn. He was sitting on the floor, staring intently.
“Ooohh I know!” Padme called out.
“Ooohh I know!” Anakin repeated.
“A tornado?”
“A tornado?”
“A meat slicer?”
“A meat slicer?”
“A can of green beans?”
“A can of green beans?”
“A teddy bear?”
“A teddy bear?”
“ENOUGH!” Obi-Wan yelled. “He’s obviously being Padme!”
“Right.” Anakin said and he got up. Obi-Wan began his turn next.
“Obviously a cheese grater!” Yoda yelled. “Better than meat slicers, they are.”
“Whatever.” Padme replied haughtily. “I know what he is! An Obi-Wan!”
“Well, duh.” Climber said quickly. “But you’re supposed to guess what he was acting like!”
“Oh. I knew that.” Padme said. “It was worth a try.”
Yoda shouted suddenly, “DUDE, WHERE’S MY HOVERCHAIR!”
“I have a tattoo that looks like a cruise ship?” Luke remarked.
“That’s a bruise, dummy.”
“Quit throwing your eyelashes at me!” Obi-Wan whimpered.
“Sorry.” Han said, embarrassed.
Over the next hour or so, Yoda downed 4 boxes of Capri Sun, Padme shouted many random things, and so forth. Here’s a brief list:
“Yoda! Don’t eat that! I need that!”
“Oooh! I know! A waffle iron!”
“Waffles don’t iron, that’s preposterous!”
“Pretzels taste good.”
“OHHHH! An elf?”
“A insult, that is to me and my family!”
“My grandma?”
“A gun?”
(muffled crying noises)
At the end of the day, Padme and Anakin were getting ready to settle in for the night, after everyone had gone to sleep. Padme settled into the covers, deep in thought.
“Anakin?” she called into the darkness.
Anakin moved about the room, having just gotten finished in the fresher. “What, love?”
“Do you think everyone had fun today?” Padme asked.
Anakin approached the side of the bed. “I don’t think they did Padme…”
Padme frowned.
“…I know they did.”
Padme grinned then. Anakin climbed into bed, and Padme pulled the covers closer to her chin.
“Good night, Angel.” Anakin murmured.
“I love you, Anakin.” Padme said sweetly.
No reply. Anakin was asleep.
“Oh! I know!” Padme whispered. “You love me too?”
Padme grinned, feeling so sure this time…
Anakin rolled over and laughed a little, his eyes still closed. “Wrong…”
“What?” Padme asked.
“I love you more than life itself, my dear.” Anakin replied.
Padme stared at the dark silhouette of her husband, and then sighed, feeling the sleepiness overtake her.
But before going to sleep she whispered, “Why can’t I get a single thing right?”
